Evil Dead! Oh wait a minute
by Concept of a demon
Summary: EVIL DEAD, BABY! Well, a ripoff, actually. Never mind that, just read it. No Defiance spoilers so far.
1. Default Chapter

Dislclaimer: In case some people out there can't take a joke, none of the characters have similar views to me.  
  
A/N: No, this does not mean I've given up on the Defiance parody. As I said earlier, I'm doing both that, and this. Because I rule. And besides, once I post this, it will be very close to my birthday. I will be 16 years old, as of the 8th of May. And I know that none of you give a shit, so bite me! No, not literally! Damn vampire freaks....... By the way, Raziel is in his lieutenant form. So he's also omniscient, like he was in "The Exorcist, Oh wait a minute" story.  
  
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you...... (drumroll) EVIL DEAD! Oh wait a minute.......  
  
The group is sitting in a van.  
  
Raziel: Where are we going again, Kain?  
  
Kain: A cabin in the woods. I saw it on my predator quest.  
  
Vorador: Would you cram it about the predator quest? It's freaking annoying, Kain.  
  
Kain: Just because YOU were busy with your harem........  
  
Umah: Enough! I swear, you two are the most immature persons I know.  
  
Dumah leans over, and knocks her over the head.  
  
Dumah: Cram it, bitch.  
  
Rahab (being a chivalrous idiot): YOU PIECE OF SHIT!  
  
He hits Dumah in the head. Dumah is unaffected. Rahab hits him again.  
  
Dumah: Once we're out of this car, I'm gonna drop-kick you through a wall, Rahab.  
  
Rahab: gulps  
  
Melchiah: Would you two be quiet? I'm trying to re-assemble my M-16, so I need to be concentrated, and if you break my concentration, I'm gonna get Zephon to slice both of you up.  
  
Dumah: Cram it, baldy.  
  
Melchiah quickly stabs him in the knee with his Bowie knife.  
  
Dumah: OUCH!  
  
Janos: Can't we all just get along?  
  
Dumah: HIPPY!  
  
He punches Janos 3 times.  
  
Melchiah: You're breaking my concentration! (whips out a bazooka) Seeing as how this is a very powerful weapon, and will probably blow us all up, you gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?". Well, do ya, Punk?  
  
Dumah: Sure.  
  
Melchiah pulls the trigger, and Dumah is blown up. He grows back together, thanks to his vampire healing abilities.  
  
Dumah: I'm gonna get you for that, Melly!  
  
Kain: WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP, BEFORE I GET ZEPHON TO BEAT YOU WITH A RUSTY STEP-MASTER?!  
  
Everybody else: ...... eep.  
  
Umah: Looks like we're here.  
  
Kain: Yeah, finally! 10 hours with homicidal kids, horny acquaintances, and hippy bastards is not something I wanna experience again. When we go home, we'll just use a catapult.  
  
Raziel: Oh, get over it, you grouchy bastard.  
  
Kain: NEVER TALK DOWN TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU METROSEXUAL SNAPE-LOOKALIKE!  
  
Raziel: You're just jealous of the hair.  
  
Kain: How'd you like a second trip to the abyss?!  
  
Raziel: I'll shut up now.  
  
Kain: Excellent!  
  
Vorador: Where the hell is the trailer?  
  
Kain: What trailer?  
  
Vorador: The one with all my harem in it.  
  
Turel: I cut it off.  
  
Vorador: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!!!!!!!!! (cries) (pansy)  
  
Turel: Because you are addicted!  
  
Vorador: That's my own decision, you Dumbo-wannabe!  
  
Turel: Cram it, big-ears. Besides, your ears are bigger than mine.  
  
Vorador: ............  
  
Turel: AND they're green. Mine aren't!  
  
Melchiah: If you don't shut up, I'll massacre you with my minigun!  
  
Turel: What are you gonna do, baldy, shine me to death?  
  
Turel instantly looses his legs.  
  
Turel: OOOOOH, THE PAAAAAIIIN!!!!  
  
Umah: Let's just take a look at the house, okay?  
  
Dumah: You just want it all for yourself, don't you, you two-faced tramp.  
  
Rahab: Don't talk to her like that!  
  
Dumah: I'll talk how I damn well please, you pansy!  
  
Zephon quickly picks them both up, and smacks them hard together, knocking them unconscious.  
  
Zephon: Never disturb my meditation.  
  
Janos: Whoa! Don't mess with Zephon!  
  
Raziel pulls a Highlander.  
  
Raziel: I KNOW ALL! I AM ALL!  
  
Vorador: We know!  
  
Turel: Anyone notice, how Raziel is the only one of us, that's metrosexual?  
  
Raziel: I'll kick your ass, if you don't shut up!  
  
Turel: What are you gonna do, give me a makeover?  
  
Raziel: Okay, that's it!  
  
He tackles Turel, who kicks him in the balls.  
  
Turel: He doesn't have any! He's too feminine!  
  
Raziel: RAAAAAAR!!!!  
  
He runs out to the cabin's shack, and picks up the chainsaw.  
  
Raziel: We'll see who's lacking in balls, once I'm done!  
  
Turel: HOLY SHIT!  
  
Melchiah: SHUT THE F UP!  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
Melchiah: Raziel, no one likes a crybaby. And Turel, if you ever employ the words 'holy' and 'shit' in the same sentence again, I'm gonna destroy you utterly for your blasphemy. YOU GOT THAT?!  
  
Raziel/Turel (scared): Got it.  
  
Umah: Hey, I found a tape recorder in the house.  
  
Tape recorder: Lliw syawla dna ssa skcik reyals. Sdratsab uoy srirots saroslatrom weiver.  
  
Kain: That's some odd shit.  
  
Suddenly, a tentacle bursts from the ground, and slams into Umah.  
  
Umah: OOF!  
  
She then falls into a coma.  
  
Kain (whipping out the reaver): Okay, where did that tentacle go?!  
  
Turel: Good question. It just disappeared.  
  
Rahab: Maybe we should get her inside.  
  
Dumah: No, she wants equal rights, she gotta take care of herself, like she'd request from a man.  
  
Kain: ........right.......  
  
Vorador: Get out of my face, you bastard! (shoves Dumah aside)  
  
They move her inside, so she lies on the couch.  
  
Rahab: What happened out there?  
  
Turel: Raziel, you know everything, what's going on?  
  
Raziel: Well, you see-  
  
The door crashes open, and a tentacle slams into Raziel, too. He falls down on the floor, and the tentacle disappears.  
  
Kain: Oh great, now HE'S down, too. Okay, who else knows everything?  
  
Umah: I DO!  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
She flies into him, and drop-kicks him.  
  
Kain: OOF!  
  
Then she gets shot in the back of the head. She falls down.  
  
Melchiah: Demon beasts such as her will go to Hell, for their just punishment!  
  
Zephon: You just gotta help them down there first?  
  
Melchiah: Yes!  
  
Zephon: Psycho!  
  
Raziel quickly rises, and bites Melchiah in the foot. Then Zephon grabs the shotgun, and shoots Raziel right in the chest.  
  
Zephon: That'll teach ya!  
  
Then Umah gets up, and runs out into the woods. Raziel, on the other hand, bites his own hand off. Then he bites the tv, and runs out, too.  
  
Kain: What the hell?  
  
Another testicle- I mean tentacle! Another tentacle goes into the room, but Zephon is quick to grab Melchiah's shotgun, and shoots the tentacle, so it blows up.  
  
Vorador: Tentacle sounds like testicle.  
  
As a result, Vorador also gets shot.  
  
Vorador: OUCH!  
  
Kain: Please, some demon possess him, so we have an excuse to kill him!  
  
Janos: Can't we all just get along?  
  
Dumah: HELL NO! The whore is trying to kill us, and so is Umah. They gotta die!  
  
The tv turns on.  
  
Vorador: "Turns on"..... Sounds kinky!  
  
Kain kicks him in the head.  
  
Kain: What's so dangerous about a tv?  
  
Friends is on.  
  
Everybody: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Joey: I make dumbass comments. This makes me funny!  
  
Chandler: I talk like a woman. This makes me funny!  
  
Ross: I'm a spineless, pussywhipped, metro sexual pretty boy. This makes me funny!  
  
Kain (in horrible torture): Somebody....make it.....stop....  
  
Phoebe: I'm a hippy. This makes me funny!  
  
Turel: I can't take..... it much....... Longer.......  
  
Monica: I'm obsessed with things being perfect. This makes me funny!  
  
Rachel: I'm a hypocritical, annoying bitch. This makes me funny!  
  
Zephon (near death): Where.....is......the......remote......  
  
Janos (watching with delight): Wow, this is the episode, where Ross actually grows a set of balls, then has to drink a glass of bacon fat as a result! I LOVE THIS EPISODE!!!!  
  
Melchiah (seemingly unaffected): I'll turn it off.  
  
Janos responds aggressively, almost as if he was possessed.  
  
Janos: Touch this remote, and you die!  
  
Janos destroys the remote.  
  
Janos: Now you can't change the channel!  
  
Melchiah: No, but on the other hand, the row of lines starting with "Janos" has been cut short.  
  
Janos: Huh?  
  
Melchiah: In other words, DIE!  
  
He blasts Janos with his minigun.  
  
Melchiah: Now, it's time for the tv to be destroyed.  
  
Rachel: You must drink a glass of bacon fat, if you want to get back into my panties.  
  
Ross: Everything for you, Rachel!  
  
Melchiah: Time to die. (blasts the TV)  
  
Kain: Bless you, Zephon! Bless you!  
  
Turel: You have saved us!  
  
Zephon: But how did you resist the torture?  
  
Melchiah: The Lord protects me!  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiight.................  
  
The TV starts floating, with diabolic music and light going on and shit.  
  
TV: YOU WILL NEVER DESTROY ME! I'LL SHOW YOU MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU CAN EVER HANDLE!  
  
Kain: As if that's hard. We can't stand one episode, how are we supposed to last for many?  
  
Ross: I, Ross, take Rachel.........  
  
TV-audience: UH-OH!  
  
Kain: MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
How will Kain and the survivors survive the horror? Only one way to find out. 5 or more reviews, as usual.  
  
By the way, there is one point I agree with the characters on. Friends suck bone. It's a bullshit program, for pansies!!!!!!  
  
Ed: BOOYAH! 


	2. Zephon is addicted!

Kudos  
  
Covenant: What took you so long? Damn!  
  
Omega-boy: Friends suck! Deal with it!  
  
Mortalsora: "bit a wit"? What the hell? What do you mean, "weird story"? Just because it has no plot..........  
  
Dark-Sephiroth: Confused, eh? What are you gonna do about it? :p  
  
Mikoto: Nah, this will be the entirety of it parodized.  
  
A/N: I have no Author's Note. Coincidentally, that just became it.  
  
Kain: What the hell is going on in here?! Geez!  
  
Melchiah: DO NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN, THOU FOUL DOG!  
  
Kain: I said "geez", not "Jesus".  
  
Melchiah: You just said it now!  
  
Kain: Well, I had to explain it to you, now didn't I?  
  
Melchiah: Well, okay......... But don't' do it again!  
  
Kain: Whatever.  
  
Zephon: Okay, who's still alive?  
  
Kain: There's Vorador, Janos, you, me, Melchiah, Dumah, Turel...........  
  
Magnus, Marcus, Sebastian and Faustus bursts into the cabin.  
  
Seb: THERE ARE TENTACLES OUT THERE HUNTING US! THEY GOT MAGNUS!  
  
Magnus: MEAT!  
  
Kain: .................... Where's the difference?  
  
Magnus: MEAT!  
  
Kain: Right.  
  
Zephon: We need to figure out what's going on. So I suggest, that we look for notes by some mysterious professor. Maybe he'll be able to explain everything, and we will learn of a complicated process of destroying the evil, in a climatic final battle, where all but one of us will die, and get sent back in time.  
  
Turel: What are the odds of that?  
  
Ash pops in.  
  
Ash: Wha-? Oh, wrong time period. Blasted! (disappears)  
  
Sebastian: Whatever. Maybe there is some book, that's the cause of all of this.  
  
Kain: How do you figure?  
  
Sebastian: That things he said at the tape recorder must come from somewhere.  
  
Zephon: How do you know about the tape recorder?  
  
Sebastian (ashamed): I went peeky-peeky.  
  
Kain: o0  
  
Zephon: Whatever. We need to find that book!  
  
Kain: No shit?  
  
Zephon shoots him with Melchiah's shotgun.  
  
Kain: Ow!  
  
Suddenly, a tentacle flies into Janos.  
  
Kain: CRAP!  
  
Hash and Satan pops in.  
  
Satan: YO! What up, ma homie!  
  
Hash: Chillin', having a bud'.  
  
Satan: True, true.  
  
Janos gets up.  
  
Janos: WAZZUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Hash: WAZZUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Satan: WAZZUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Umah pops in, possessed, of course.  
  
Umah: WAZZUUUUUUUUUP!!!!  
  
Raziel: WAZZUUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Hash: WAZZUUUUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Janos: WAZZUUUUP!!!  
  
Raziel: WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Shorty (from Scary Movie): Oh shit, son!  
  
Kain pulls out the reaver.  
  
Kain: I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU, WHO SPEAK ODDLY, IF YOU HAVEN'T SHUTTEN UP IN LESS THAN 2 SECONDS!  
  
Shorty: Yo, that sword would make an excellent bong!  
  
Kain: You think?  
  
Hash/Satan/Shorty/Raz/Umah/Janos: CHUG! CHUG! GHUG!  
  
Kain (smoking the reaver): This is good shit!  
  
Hash/Satan/Shorty/Raz/Umah/Janos: YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Kain picks up the nearby phone.  
  
Kain: Hey, what's your favorite scary movie?  
  
They all crack up.  
  
Moebius (on the phone): Who is this? I'm calling the police!  
  
Kain: You might want to check your backdoor first. You forgot to lock it!  
  
Moebius: (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams) (screams)  
  
Melchiah: Drugs are the work of Satan!  
  
Satan: Nope. I just smoke 'em!  
  
Hash calls Mortanius.  
  
Hash: WAZZUUUUUUPP!!!  
  
Morty: WAZZUUUUUUP!!!  
  
Hash: What are you doing, son?  
  
Morty: Nothin'. Chillin'. Killin'.  
  
Hash: True, true.  
  
Kain: The Guardian of Death is a serial killer? That makes no sense at all!  
  
Zephon: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight........... Anyway, Satan, or Hash, can you tell us about what's going on?  
  
Satan: No can do, dawg. The cops gave me a deal: Stay put, and get good. Umm, yeah.  
  
Zephon: What about you, Hash?  
  
Hash: I can't. They snatched ma library card, so I can't snatch books, y'all.  
  
Melchiah: DEMONS!  
  
Kain: No shit?  
  
Melchiah: The Lord does not tolerate demons!  
  
Satan: Are unwanted, y'all?  
  
Melchiah: YES!  
  
Turel: Speak for yourself!  
  
Satan. Straight, yo!  
  
Hash: Yo! Here be da book, y'all want! (throws the Necromonicon, then opens a pit in the floor and jumps down, with Satan following along)  
  
Kain: Well, that was odd.  
  
Umah: I'll take that! (snatches the book)  
  
Kain: Hey!  
  
Dumah: I knew she'd attempt to bullshit us around!  
  
Melchiah: This is all because of the devil intervening!  
  
Turel: Huh?  
  
Kain: Never mind him, he's odd. Come on, we gotta catch her!  
  
Umah (running out in the forest): YOU'LL NEVER GET MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
COAD: Hey, she looks like she's auditioning for being a "bouncer".........  
  
Kain: That sounds like something Vorador would say! (pissed off)  
  
Vorador: I'm worse than him.  
  
Rahab: Yeah? Do you have over 100 pictures of guess-what on your computer?  
  
Vorador: No.  
  
Rahab: I rest my case.  
  
Vorador: I make up for it in movies, though.  
  
Rahab: Help me here, Concept.  
  
COAD: Nah, he won.  
  
Rahab (getting desperate): Well, Vorador, do you mas-  
  
COAD: Let's just hold it there.  
  
Rahab: But-  
  
Vorador: Butts!  
  
COAD: Shut up!  
  
Turel: Hey, asswipes!  
  
Kain: What is it?  
  
Turel: Heheh, you reacted when I said "asswipes". Why don't we just leave?  
  
Kain: this is where I start to feel like a freaking idiot..........  
  
Vorador: I'M THE GREAT PRETENDER!  
  
Kain: Poser.  
  
COAD: SATAN RULES!  
  
Kain: Poser.  
  
Rahab: I'm better than Raziel.  
  
Kain: Poser.  
  
Zephon goes into the kitchen and finds some milk. (And in case you're a pervert, that's milk, not "milk", okay?!)  
  
Vorador: (0 Y 0) (o Y o) (o)(o)  
  
Kain: DAMNIT!  
  
Zephon: This stuff tastes good! (is addicted)  
  
Kain: He got addicted to milk! Poser!  
  
Turel: Hey, don't you think we should attempt to get out of here? We can take the trail.  
  
Kain: Okay.  
  
They leave the cabin. Then they come back.  
  
Kain: Shit, we forgot Zephon.  
  
Zephon (holding on to the fridge): I WANT MA MILK!  
  
Kain: God, shut u- No, Vorador, stay in the car, damnit!  
  
Vorador (o Y o) (outside): You're sure you don't want my help?  
  
Kain: I'm sure. Dumah, come here!  
  
Dumah: What is it, dad?  
  
Kain: We need him to let go of the fridge.  
  
Both pulls as hard as they can.  
  
Zephon (holding on): HUYNGGGGG!!!!  
  
Kain: Melchiah, come here!  
  
All three of them pull.  
  
Zephon (holding on): HUYNGGGGG!!!!  
  
Kain: Turel, come here!  
  
All four of them pull.  
  
Zephon (holding on): HUYNGGGGG!!!!  
  
Kain: Rahab, come here!  
  
All five of them pull.  
  
Zephon (holding on): HUYNGGGGG!!!!  
  
Kain: Hmm, any other survivors?  
  
Rahab: There are the 4 stooges?  
  
Kain: Who- oh, Sebastian and them?  
  
Rahab: No, I was thinking more of Blue.  
  
Kain: Oh. Well, we can still use Sebastian and them.  
  
Melchiah: The Power of Christ compels you! The Power of Christ compels you!  
  
Zephon (high on milk): 7I-I3 P0VV3I2 0f (I-II2157 (0mp315 y00!  
  
Kain: What. The. Hell.........  
  
Sebastian (chatting): "I'm a 16-year old ninja, and we can read you thoughts." o0  
  
Kain: Hey, jackass, get over here!  
  
Sebastian: Huh?  
  
Turel: Heheh, you reacted!  
  
Sebastian: What can I help you with, oh criminally insane compadre of mine?  
  
Kain: I'm not insane! Zephon's just addicted to milk!  
  
Sebastian: You're crazy!  
  
Turel: but it's true!  
  
Sebastian: Yeah, right.  
  
Zephon then blows up, resulting in the roof lifting. It lands heavily.  
  
Kain: Ouch!  
  
The phone calls.  
  
Kain: What is it?  
  
Killer: I'm in the house somewhere. Can you tell where I am?  
  
Kain: Yeah, you're behind the couch.  
  
Killer: (giggle) ....wha-? How did you know?  
  
Kain: I can see your feet.  
  
Killer: Christ, not this again! Okay, hold on, while I hide.  
  
Kain: I don't have time for this. Melchiah, he took the Lord's name in vain.  
  
Melchiah then shoots the killer, who flies through the window.  
  
Kain: Hey, Zephon's knocked out by the blast!  
  
They take him out to the car, and they all drive off.  
  
Magnus: MEAT!  
  
Marcus: Oh, shut up!  
  
As they get to the bridge, they find it wrecked.  
  
Kain: CRAP!  
  
5 or more reviews. Man, this chapter was hard to write.  
  
Oh, in case you are reading both of my stories, if you're gonna review them, then review them separately. I don't want reviews of the Defiance parody here, or vice-versa.  
  
Heheh, I got a B in my English exam today.................. 


End file.
